I Missed This
by EccentricRavenclaw
Summary: Cosima became a full time drug dealer after getting kicked out of college, but after her girlfriend Sarah leaves her in debt with her boss Rachel, Cosima must infiltrate DYAD, a rival drug manufacturer, or risk being killed. Things get more complicated, however, when Cosima realizes her old college crush, Delphine, was one of the founders of DYAD. Contains Cophine & Felix x Scott
1. Chapter 1

_Summary: C_ _osima became a full time drug dealer after getting kicked out of college, living life on the edge, getting drunk and partying with her girlfriend Sarah. But after her girlfriend leaves her in debt with her boss, Rachel, Cosima must infiltrate DYAD, a rival drug manufacturer, or risk being killed. Things get more complicated, however, when Cosima realizes her old college crush, Delphine Cormier, was one of the founders of DYAD. The stakes are high as Cosima rekindles an old romance with the woman of her dreams, who has some pretty heavy baggage of her own, while spying on her._

 **Notes: I orignally started posting this on AO3 but I figured why not put it up here as well. It's still a work in progress and I'm a shitty updater. This is a very dark fic, and there are some warnings that I think you should be aware of: This contains a manipulative/abusive relationship, and everything that comes with that, possible graphic violence, drug use and addiction, and character death, as well as other dark themes that are not uncommon to those who have seen the show, but I won't say specifically because of spoilers and stuff. Basically, if you have any triggers this is probably not the fic for you, I'm very sorry. Anyways, here's the first chapter!**

Cosima woke up to an empty bed. Rolling over she drug herself up, shoving her glasses onto her face, and looking around her apartment for her girlfriend. Maybe she's making breakfast? She thought to herself, before laughing at the ridiculousness of the thought. No, Sarah was never the "breakfast in bed" type girlfriend. Sarah was more the "get high and have sex" type girlfriend.

Cosima looked at the time, 2:09, way too late to be able to call any meal breakfast anyways. Cosima wasn't concerned with how late she slept though, her sleep schedule was warped beyond repair since getting kicked out of college and becoming a full time drug dealer. Most days she layed around, getting high and watching movies with her girlfriend, making an occasional trip out when she got a text from someone in need of weed, or when one of their friends was throwing a party.

She missed college though, she loved science and learning, and without being able to go to classes and talk with other science nerds, she had lost her passion for life. Unless she was smoking weed or having sex, she felt nothing. And nothing is exactly what she felt when she saw the voicemail. Nothing is what she felt when she heard Sarah's recorded voice, telling her she left, that she wasn't coming back. Nothing is what she felt when she sat back down on her bed staring blankly at the wall of her dimly lit apartment.

It wasn't until she pulled her legs up, clutching them tightly to her chest, that she began to feel anything at all. She felt fear, not overwhelming fear, just a slight trickle, a small tightness in her chest, a nagging in her brain. She can't have left, she thought to herself. She can't be gone. I need her. Sarah was one of the two things in her life that made her feel anything, she couldn't just leave her like this. She wouldn't.

But she did. Sarah wasn't coming back. Cosima let out a shaky breath, and reached for the bag of weed on her bedside table, but her hand met air. She looked over quickly, breaking eye contact with her wall for the first time since she had heard Sarah's voicemail. The weed was gone. At least ten thousand dollars worth of weed was gone. Cosima began frantically searching her room, tearing drawers out of dressers, throwing clothes across the room, but it wasn't there, it wasn't anywhere.

"SARAH YOU BITCH!" she screamed to her empty apartment, tears streaming down her face as she slunk to the floor beside her bed, letting loose several loud, guttural sobs.

"you fucking bitch," she said, quieter this time, wiping the tears from her eyes and looking at the ceiling.

It was Cosima's fault. She knew it. If she'd have been a better girlfriend this wouldn't have happened, Sarah would have stayed. She tried to pinpoint exactly what it was she had done wrong, what had made the girl she had thought loved her, leave in the middle of the night? Had she acted too jealous when Sarah had been hanging out with that "Cal" guy, who Sarah swore nothing had happened with? Should she have trusted her from the beginning, or should she never have trusted her at all?

Cosima sat beside her bed for a long time before she realized she had an even bigger problem on her hands than a broken heart. Sarah had taken ten thousand dollars of weed with her, and Cosima was at a loss as to what that would mean for her. She couldn't come up with the money on her own, it was a struggle just to pay rent every month, and her boss wouldn't just forgive a debt that large. Rachel Duncan was not an understanding woman. Would she kill her? Drug overlords usually did that in the movies, right? But Cosima was just a low level weed dealer, surely she wouldn't be assassinated. Taking a deep breathe she picked up her phone and pressed the call button. Thinking to herself that, even if they did kill her, it wouldn't be a big deal. What did she have left to live for anyways?

"Ms. Niehaus?" rang Rachel's cool, yet vaguely irritated voice from the speaker of Cosima's phone.

"Uh, yeah, hi, it's Cosima,"

"Yes, we have established that. What do you want?"

"Sarah, my girlfriend, she left," Cosima said, her voice quavering and tears threatening to spill over.

"I do not have the time to discuss your personal affairs. If you'll excuse me, I have a business to run," said Rachel, irritation and sarcasm dripping off every word.

"No wait, it's not that, it's just, she took my weed. All of it," Cosima said, head falling helplessly to her knees.

"I see. This is, problematic… How much did you have left?"

"Ten thousand dollars worth," Cosima whispered.

"Well, you have really done it this time, Ms. Niehaus. Meet me at my office tomorrow at noon, and we will discuss how to move forward from here." Rachel said, with just a hint of what seemed to be cruel excitement in her voice. Cosima didn't catch that though, as she was already busy climbing back onto her bed and burying her face in the pillows. She stayed like that for a long time, ignoring the growling of her stomach, letting it ache with emptiness, while she alternated between crying and sleeping.

She only gathered the strength to get out of bed when she read that the time was 11:30, giving her half an hour to get dressed, get a cab, and make it to Rachel's office. Usually when she was this late, she would be frantically running around the house, brushing her teeth and searching for an outfit amongst the cluttered mess of her apartment, but that level of motivation was nowhere to be found.

She slowly walked to the bathroom, and splashed water on her face, noticing the redness around her eyes and cheeks. She decided against putting on her signature eyeliner, she just couldn't find the strength within herself to care. She slipped on some shoes and threw on her red jacket.

Cosima noticed the stain on her jacket from when Sarah had drunkenly spilled beer on it, and she touched it smiling to herself, remembering how much fun they had that night. It had been just her and Sarah, drinking and smoking weed, blasting music and dancing around her apartment. She remembered how she felt that night, laughing as Sarah came up behind her, holding her in her arms and whispering "I love you," into her ear, kissing her cheek, and then her neck, before breaking away, dancing by herself arms and hips swinging, while Cosima stood there watching.

"Come on, show me what you got," she said with a laugh, breaking Cosima's trance. Cosima started dancing, inching closer to Sarah as her body swayed to the music, hands floating gracefully in the air before they were captured by Sarah's own hands as she pulled Cosima closer.

"Not bad, for a nerd," Sarah said, dancing closer to Cosima's back, their bodies pressing tightly together.

"Not bad? More like hella fucking rad," Cosima joked, leaning her head back into Sarah's shoulder.

Sarah pulled her around so they were face to face, wasting no time pressing her lips to Cosima's, pushing her towards the couch as she pulled at the hem of her girlfriend's shirt.

Suddenly here was a sharp clatter as Sarah pushed Cosima too close to the table sitting next to the couch, knocking over her beer onto the jacket. Cosima's head darted to the side, startled by the noise, but Sarah didn't care, she pulled Cosima's face back to her own and layed her down on the couch with a look of fierce determination, and began sliding Cosima's shirt up her torso.

What had changed since then? What had Cosima done to lose Sarah's love?

Cosima gulped down the tears threatening to spill all over again as she took a look at the couch she and Sarah had so many memories on, before heading out the front door towards what felt like her doom.


	2. Chapter 2

Rachel Duncan's office was intimidating, to say the least. Cosima had been there on only a couple of occasions, each time to be reprimanded for giving " discounts" to friendly customers. There were no personal touches anywhere, no photographs of family members, or evidence of hobbies, just a modern looking glass desk with a phone and a computer sitting behind a cold leather chair used for visitors, all sitting in front of a giant floor-to-ceiling window.

Cosima was led up to the office by the perky receptionist Amanda, who didn't seem to realize she was working for a business entirely funded by drug money, or maybe she knew all too well. Either way, she opened the door to the office with a smile on her face, telling her to have a nice day before leaving Cosima to deal with the consequences of her ex-girlfriend's actions.

"You're late," Rachel said, turning away from her window to look Cosima in the eye, and walking over to her seat.

Cosima sat down opposite Rachel without saying a word, her throat too tight to allow her vocal chords to communicate.

"You have lost ten thousand dollars of product. How do you plan on paying that back?" Rachel asked, a cold smirk on her face.

Cosima sat in silence for a moment. She hadn't given it much thought, assuming Rachel would decide how it would be payed back. Cosima had no money, and no source of income other than her drug dealing job, which was currently on the line.

"I, I can't," Cosima said, voice already quavering from fear.

"Yes, you can," Rachel said, pulling a folder out from a drawer in her desk, "in order to settle our debt, I need you to do something for me."

"What is it?" Cosima asked, uneasiness filling her stomach at the look of Rachel's face.

Rachel pulled out a piece of paper from the folder, placing it on Cosima's side of the desk. Cosima wasn't sure what she was expecting, but a piece of paper labeled "DYAD Job Application" with her name already filled neatly printed on it was not it.

"You want me to work for DYAD?" Cosima asked, confused. It was no secret to anyone working with drugs in the area, that DYAD was a pharmaceutical company, secretly dedicated to studying and creating new designer drugs. It was also no secret that these top of the line drug organizations were putting people like Rachel out of business. Who wanted to smoke weed when you could get drugs designed for any type of high you wanted?

"I want you to spy on DYAD. You will apply, and they will hire you. Once you get in I expect you to report all the information you can gather directly to me."

"But I never finished my degree, why would they hire me?"

"Ms. Niehaus, you may not have finished your degree but in the three years you attended college you were at the top of your class. You have an intelligent mind and a formal background in biological sciences, and you were kicked out of college for dealing drugs, you are the uniquely qualified to work on their drug trials, and they will see that." Rachel said, growing bored of having to explain everything to this girl.

"So, what, I apply to DYAD, somehow they then offer me a shady and incredibly illegal job, and then I work as your spy to take down a giant corporation? This is absolutely ridiculous, there's no way I-"

"May I remind you," Rachel interrupted, "that you owe me quite a large sum of money. You don't really have a choice here, you will do as I ask, and then, maybe, I will spare you."

Cosima looked Rachel in the eyes and realized that she would have no qualms ordering her execution, and she decided, at least for the time being , she wanted to live.

"I will be sending this to DYAD tonight, expect a phone call within a few days for an interview. Call me when you get it scheduled, and please try to make yourself look more presentable, at least wear clothing that isn't covered in stains. Goodbye Ms. Niehaus." Rachel said, placing the application back in the folder and staring at Cosima until she awkwardly got up and shuffled out of the room.

Once outside, Cosima hailed another cab and began to reflect on the meeting she just had. There were many possibilities Cosima had considered beforehand, but being blackmailed into being a spy was not one of them. As terrified as she was about the idea, she realized she was also incredibly excited. It had been four years since she had been kicked out of college, and she missed it so much. Now she would be working with other amazing scientists on the latest in 'pharmaceuticals', not exactly the area she had been hoping to go into once she completed her Evolutionary Developmental Biology degree, but exciting nonetheless.

Once in her apartment Cosima was once again overwhelmed by the ghost of Sarah she saw everywhere. Sarah was in the kitchen, throwing water on a flaming Cosima who tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich after one too many joints. Sarah was in the living room, drinking a beer and blasting The Clash despite their neighbor's various noise complaints, Sarah was in the bedroom, making calls to credit card companies in her suburban accent to scam them, Sarah was in the shower, smiling at Cosima and asking her to get in.

Cosima shook her head to try to rid herself of the memories of the girl who didn't love her back, who quite possibly never loved her back. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed her laptop and powered it on, blowing dust off the keyboard. It had been awhile since she had any reason to go on her computer, but now, not only did she need something to keep her mind off Sarah, she needed to be prepared for her new job, so she began researching DYAD.

On the surface, DYAD was a small pharmaceutical sector of an organization called Topside, but Cosima knew better. The researchers churned out a couple legal drugs now and then, to make it appear they were simply researching drugs for medical use, but the immensely large budget told another story. The money was going somewhere else, recreational drugs, Cosima knew, and she wouldn't be surprised if they were paying of government officials to keep quiet about it, there was no way that large a budget for that small of output had gone completely unnoticed.

She saw a link on the DYAD's website labeled "Beginnings of DYAD" and clicked on it. There she saw a photograph of several scientists who were credited as the founders of DYAD by the small caption beneath it. She merely scanned their faces and began reading the names, when one caught her eye. Delphine Cormier. Quickly looking back at the faces in the picture she recognized the blonde woman with curly hair and soft features, sitting very close to an older man in a lab coat. That was Delphine, there was no doubt about it, Delphine was- what had she been? Cosima had met Delphine in college, and they had been friends, but, they had almost been something more.

Up until Cosima got busted for drug dealing, they had grown closer and closer, stimulating each other intellectually like none other had before. Cosima was sure the attraction she had felt to the French woman had been mutual, but just when she was going to make a move she was arrested, causing her to lose her scholarship, effectively ending her higher education. She had been too ashamed to talk to Delphine after that. She ruined her entire career, leaving her with no source of income and crippling Depression.

She ignored all of Delphine's texts and missed calls, asking where she was, if she was okay, what had happened. She pulled away from her old life, completely giving up on her science career, becoming a drug dealer and eventually meeting Sarah. But now here she was, applying for a job at the organization Delphine had helped found, to spy.

Cosima tried to convince herself it didn't matter, that Delphine didn't matter. That part of her life was over, she gave up all hope of a relationship with her when she left her with no explanation four years ago. But she still cared. The guilt she felt at just the idea of endangering something Delphine was a part of was already overwhelming, and she hadn't actually done anything yet.


	3. Chapter 3

Cosima bombed the interview. She knew it. Sitting in front of Aldous Leekie, the man she had seen next to Delphine in the photograph on DYAD's website, she tripped over her words trying to explain the "abrupt end" to her education, and had totally geeked out when he asked her why she chose Evolutionary Developmental Biology as her major. This had been her chance to repay Rachel without being killed, and she blew it.

It wasn't just because she was in such a fragile mental state, Leekie had seriously given her the creeps. His bony face, twisting into a sideways smile, it was enough to give any sane person nightmares. How was someone supposed to figure out what to say about being arrested for drug dealing to an employer for an illegal drug company that she wasn't supposed to know was an illegal drug company to a creepy skeleton man?

Cosima realized she never had a chance to begin with, she had been doomed to failure from the start, Which is why she was surprised when she got a call the next day telling her she'd been hired.

"What? Are you sure you have the right number, this is Cosima Niehaus," she said, sitting on her couch holding her phone to her ear.

"Yes, Ms. Niehaus, your job will start tomorrow at ten, if that's convenient for you," the female voice on the other end told her.

"Uh, yeah, yeah, tomorrow at ten, I'll be there," Cosima said, eyes widening in belief as she stood up off the couch, unable to sit as excitement coursed through her veins.

"Okay, we'll see you then,"

"Yeah, totally,"

Cosima let out an excited scream as she began dancing around her apartment.

"I GOT THE JOB! I GOT THE JOB!" she yelled, jumping on the couch, smiling like a maniac.

She jumped off the couch and started frantically searching her apartment for an outfit to wear. Suddenly, she realized how abysmal the state of her apartment was. Cosima was always a cluttered person, but this was ridiculous. In the four years since her education had ended, she had stopped caring about anything, and her apartment reflected that. Not only were there clothes and clutter everywhere, but empty beer cans, broken glass, containers of take out, and spilled bong water had all left their marks on the floors.

Cosima grabbed a trash bag and got to work cleaning her apartment, and a few hours later, she had multiple bags full of garbage, several cuts on her hands, baskets of laundry that needed to be washed, and an apartment that looked better, but still a little disorganized. She grabbed a basket of laundry and some quarters from a beer bottle she had been storing her change in, and headed down to the apartment's laundry facility.

After loading a very full load of her colorful, mostly tribal printed clothes into the machine, she turned around to see a familiar face.

"Oh, Cosima," Felix said awkwardly, his own basket of laundry in his arms.

"Hey Felix," she said, offering a weak smile in return, and being unable to make eye contact with him.

"Listen, I heard about Sarah, and honestly I'm sorry. I mean, she's my sister and I love her, but she's a bloody wrecking ball, and you don't deserve to have to deal with her shit." Felix said, setting down his laundry and looking sympathetically at Cosima.

"She tell you she stole 10k worth of weed?" Cosima asked, growing bitter towards her ex-girlfriends foster brother, who until this encounter she had forgotten lived in the same apartment complex as her.

"What? No she absolutely did not!" Felix said, appalled.

"Yeah well," Cosima mumbled, turning to leave without any intention of continuing the conversation.

"Cos wait! What are you gonna do? You're 10k in debt to Rachel for christs sake, she's not gonna let that go easily. Is there anything I can do to help you?" Felix asked, grabbing Cosima's arm gently, trying to get her to talk to him.

Cosima looked back and, seeing genuine concern in Felix's eyes, and remembering how close they had been before, decided she needed someone to trust.

"Can I, talk to you, somewhere more, private?" Cosima asked.

Felix immediately led her up to his apartment, leaving his forgotten laundry. Once in the apartment Cosima sat down on Felix's couch.

"What's going on?" Felix asked, taking a seat next to her.

"If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell _anybody_ Felix," Cosima said, looking at him expectantly.

"Of course, you know I can keep a secret, talk to me sweetie,"

And Cosima did. She explained everything about her current situation, from Rachel's thinly veiled death threats, to her new jobs, one as a scientist, and one as a spy, and she even told him about Delphine, the woman who she had felt a connection with years ago and whom she now felt she was betraying.

"Holy shite," Felix said, sipping tea he had procured for the both of them at some point during Cosima's story.

He slowly set down his tea on the coffee table, reached under that cushion of his couch, pulled out a bottle of whiskey and added a generous portion to each of their mugs.

"That is a lot to digest," he said, screwing the cap back onto the bottle, setting it down and bringing his tea back up to his lips for another sip.

"Well?" he said, looking from Cosima to her mug, "drink up,"

Cosima picked up her own mug and took a drink, feeling the tea and the alcohol calm her nerves.

"So, this Delphine chick, you dated her?"

"Well no, not exactly. We, almost, dated, I think. I don't know, I got arrested before I had the chance to see where it was going."

"Well, you don't owe anything to her, I mean, your life is on the line, spying on this organization is your only option," Felix said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I have to feel good about it."

"Well what do you feel good about? Focus on that."

Cosima pondered that for a moment. While she felt awful about spying, she felt exhilarated at the thought of working with science again.

"Well, the job at DYAD could be pretty fun," Cosima replied, a slight smile once again emerging from her glum exterior.

"Right, so you're excited about your new job. Focus on that, and not on the whole shady spying, blossoming lesbian romance part of it," Felix said, grinning and bumping Cosima's knee with his own playfully.

Cosima chuckled in response. "Yeah, you're right. Hey thanks for letting me talk to you, it was nice to have someone to tell all this bullshit to."

"Anytime, Geek Monkey. Now what are you going to wear for your first day on the job?" Felix asked, his grin spreading wider.

"I haven't decided yet," Cosima replied, smiling as she saw exactly where this conversation was going.

"Well that, is a very important decision. One that I will most gladly help you with."


	4. Chapter 4

Cosima had wanted to wear her red jacket. It was her favorite jacket,. Felix however, had insisted that she could not show up to her first day of work wearing clothes covered in stains. The outfit Felix had picked instead was much colder. When Cosima had mentioned this the night before Felix simply replied with, "a hoe is never cold, Cosima, a hoe is never cold."

But there she was, shivering in front of the DYAD institute, staring at the doors as if they would magically open and invite her in. After a good ten seconds of staring at the building, Cosima drew in a shaky breath and walked over to the doors, pushing them open with fake confidence.

"Ah, Cosima, I was wondering when you would get here," Leekie said, moving towards Cosima before the door had even closed behind her.

"Yeah sorry, I don't think I'm actually _that_ late though," Cosima said awkwardly.

"Oh, not to worry. At DYAD we're very flexible, as long as you're not _hours_ late, we understand. Would you like a tour?"

"Oh yeah, definitely, show me your crib," Cosima said chuckling.

Leekie responded with a chilling chuckle of his own and led Cosima down the hallway, showing her various meeting rooms and fancy laboratories as she tried to contain her excitement. After the tour was over Leekie led her to his office, asking her to take a seat.

"So, I have some important things to talk to you about, regarding the work you'll be doing here at DYAD. You will need to first sign a confidentiality agreement. however."

He slid a paper over his desk on towards Cosima, who looked at it suspiciously. She considered demanding time to thoroughly read through it, but realized that failure to comply with DYAD would result in an assassination from Rachel. She grabbed the pen Leekie handed her and signed it quickly.

"So what's this top secret stuff I'll be working on?" she asked, her lips quirking up into a toothy smile.

"Drugs," Leekie replied matter-of-factly.

"Well obviously I'll be working with drugs, this is a pharmaceutical development facility," Cosima sayed, knowing Leekie would see past her attempt to play dumb.

Leekie chuckled and shook his head, "you're a cheeky one, aren't you?" he asked, earning a wider smirk from Cosima.

"You'll be working on developing drugs for recreational purposes, drugs that haven't exactly been approved by the FDA."

"When do I start?" Cosima asked, the pitch of her voice raising in excitement.

Cosima had been given her own fancy labcoat, custom embroidered to say 'Niehaus' on the pocket (she was sure she'd ruin the expensive article of clothing rather quickly, but hopefully they had backups) and led to her new lab, where she was introduced to the scientist she would be working with.

"Hi! My name is Scott," he said, shaking her hand enthusiastically, a dorky smile plastered on his face.

"I'm Cosima! Looks like we're gonna be working together, hope you don't mind I'm a little rusty on, well, everything," Cosima said, grinning sheepishly.

"Oh I'll show you around, you'll get the hang of it," he said. He seemed nice, but geeky, Cosima thought, just the kind of people she most liked to be friends with.

Leekie left the two of them to get to work, and Scott began filling her in on the project they would be working on. Their job was to design a drug for "heightened intelligence", the idea of which Cosima found absolutely fascinating.

They talked excitedly for hours, Scott telling her all about the promising drug trials he and his previous partner, Carlos, had conducted on sets of lab rats, before Carlos had quit to study some strange town, and they brainstormed solutions to the problems they had been facing. By the end of the day, they were surrounded with papers, each covered with various equations and diagrams, stomachs grumbling as they had blown right through lunch. Cosima's face hurt from smiling by the time they realized it was past time to call it a day.

"This is awesome, your ideas are fantastic, it's great to get a fresh set of eyes on this," Scott said as they packed their things to head out for the day.

"Yeah, this is like, totally fascinating, I'm so excited to be working on this," Cosima replied. "So I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"You betchya, see ya Cosima," Scott said, waving as he walked out the door to their lab.

Cosima finished putting her things in her bag about a minute later, hands stumbling from all the excitement induced adrenaline running through her veins. As she headed out of the building, a skip in her step and a glow on her face, she saw her. She was inside Leekie's office, standing with her back to Cosima, who stood completely frozen behind her. It was Delphine, there was no doubt about it, she would recognize that hair anywhere. When she turned around, however, she saw a face she did not immediately recognize.

Delphine's face was narrow and gaunt, her eyes sunken in and her skin clinging too close to her skull. She looked like she had been through hell, and her glum expression made it appear as though she was still there. The blonde began walking towards Cosima, but looking gloomily at the ground, not noticing her.

"Cosima? What are you doing here? You should have left an hour ago," Leekie asked, annoyance tinting his voice only slightly.

At the name 'Cosima', Delphine's gaze lifted, her sad face showing the slightest hint of happiness when she spotted her. The happiness was gone as quickly as it came, however.

"Oh uh, we just got really excited, lost track of time," Cosima replied, trying to act nonchalant, she added, "uh, hey Delphine, haven't seen you in awhile, you're looking, uh…" her voice trailed off as she realized she had no way to finish that sentence.

"Cosima, how, how have you been?" she asked, her eyes furrowing in what seemed like actual concern, which surprised Cosima as it seemed Delphine was the one to be concerned about.

"You two know each other?" Leekie asked before Cosima could reply, his voice tinged with suspicion in place of his previous annoyment.

"Cosima and I, we went to college together. We were uh, close friends," Delphine said, noticeably pausing before choosing the last words of her statement.

"Yeah, until I, ya know, got kicked out and everything," Cosima said, with an awkward chuckle. Her shakiness from earlier seemed to be getting worse as she stared at Delphine's haunted face, wondering what happened to her.

"Well, isn't that nice," Leekie said, the tone of his voice starkly contradicting his words. "we should really get going though,"

Leekie grabbed Delphine's hand, and that's when Cosima noticed the rings on both of their fingers. Her eyes bulged at the sight of them, and she sputterd out "A- are you two. like- are you… together?"

Delphine turned her eyes to the ground quickly, while Leekie gave a sinister smile. "Yes, we've been married for a little over a year now," he said, only Cosima noticing how uncomfortable Delphine was at the moment.

"Like said though, we really must be going,"

Cosima stood frozen as they started to leave, only coming to her senses when they had almost reached the door. She ran after them, with a panicked look in her eye. "Delphine! Wait!"

Delphine turned around, looking at Cosima with sad eyes.

"I'll us, see you around right? Maybe we could catch up sometime," Cosima said, her cheeky grin doing little to hide the worried look in her eyes.

"Actually, Delphine doesn't come here very often anymore, she has, other, work she's focusing on, I doubt you two will be seeing much of each other," Leekie said, still trying to walk Delphine out the door.

Delphine resisted for a moment however, and looking at Cosima with a hint of shy happiness in her eyes "maybe I'll see you around though," she said, before she disappeared with Leekie through the door, leaving Cosima practically paralyzed by all the conflicting emotions she was feeling.


	5. Chapter 5

"How was your first day at your new job Ms. Niehaus?" Rachel asked, her hands folded together and resting on her knee.

"It was uh, good, really good, for awhile, actually," Cosima said, smiling as she recalled the fun she and Scott had researching earlier that same day.

"What do they have you working on?"

"Oh, yeah, um, it's like really cool actually, we're basically trying to design synthetic intelligence boosters, they've tested them on some mice so far and the results are promising, but there are still complications, it seems the user is will be able to strengthen their intelligence for a day, sometimes two, but as soon as it wears off they become incredibly sick, craving more of the drug. We're trying to tweak the formula to make it just as effective, but less addictive and detrimental to the user's health,"

Rachel stared at Cosima for a few moments obviously taken aback by Cosima's sudden excited rambling, before saying "I want you to make copies of every piece of research you do there and bring them to me. I also want detailed reports on all the DYAD employees you come in contact with. We will meet here every Sunday to go over the material and for me to give you any instructions I feel necessary. Which DYAD employees have you come into contact with so far?"

Cosima paused, the guilt of her spy activities growing stronger as she searched for relevant information on her coworkers. "Well um, Scott Smith, he's my lab partner, he's a really nice guy, he filled me in on the drug trials and stuff. Then there's uh, Leekie of course, he gave me a tour of the building, he kinda gives me the creeps honestly."

"I want you to keep an eye on Leekie, he is a very important man at DYAD, I need every piece of information on him you can give me. Did you come into contact with any other employees on your first day?"

"Well, uhm, there was Delphine I guess," Cosima mumbled, suddenly unable to make eye contact with Rachel.

"Delphine Cormier?" Rachel asked, her interest suddenly piqued. Cosima nodded in return. "What did you find out about her?"

"Well, you know, she's one of the DYAD founders, brilliant scientist, nice hair-"

"You already know her," Rachel said, seeing immediately through Cosima.

"Well, I mean, yeah, we went to college together or whatever," Cosima replied uncomfortably, not wanting Rachel to know the full extent of their history together. Cosima was far too easy to read, however.

"You dated her," it was a statement, not a question, as Rachel was very confident in her abilities to read people. She had slightly missed the mark with this one however.

"Well, no, we were friends, close friends, but we never got the chance to, we didn't like, we never dated." Cosima was having a hard time choosing her words, afraid to tell Rachel how much Delphine had meant to her, but also afraid to lie to her and risk her life.

"Ms. Niehaus, I promise you, if I find you are holding back any relevant information, I will not hesitate to end you. Is that clear?"

Cosima quickly nodded her head, slinking back in her chair slightly.

"Now with that in mind, is there anything else you would like to tell me about Leekie or Cormier?"

"Well,uh," Cosima sighed, looking at the floor in shame, "they're married now, so it's Leekie and Leekie I guess," Rachel's eyebrows raised as Cosima grudgingly continued, "and, I don't know what happened, but Delphine looks bad, like, really bad. She looks like a ghost, like she hasn't slept in years, and she just looked so, sad, she looked, dead, almost. I don't know." Cosima said, shaking her head, with her eyebrows bunched together in a worried expression.

Rachel, on the other hand, looked almost gleeful. "I need you to find out what happened to her, if one of the founders of DYAD is sick I need to know every detail. This is your top priority, do you understand?"

Cosima looked as if Rachel's words had caused her physical pain "you want me to spy on her and tell her enemies all about what's wrong with her? That's so messed up I-"

"I think you are forgetting, Ms. Niehaus, that _you_ are her enemy. You are on our side after all, aren't you?" Rachel quirked an eyebrow, daring Cosima to argue with her.

"Let's say I actually do this, when are you gonna let me stop? At what point do you decide my debt has been repaid? Am I going to be a spy for couple weeks, or the rest of my life?"

"You find out what's wrong with Delphine, and give me all the information you can get your hands on about all of DYAD's drug trials, and I'll consider letting you, retire, but until then, your choices are either to spy, or have your life abruptly ended. You're supposed to be intelligent, yet I feel everytime we meet I have to explain the severity of your situation to you, I hope this time I've made it clear enough. Now get out of my office, you'll need a good night's rest for your second day at work."

Cosima's second day of work was uneventful compared to her first. She and Scott worked on the drug trials all day, and Cosima occasionally snuck away to make copies of their papers, shoving the duplicates in her bag. One event however, kept replaying in her mind as she walked back to her apartment complex after work. It had been just a flickering moment, a brief glance, but she had seen Delphine after work, sitting in the passenger seat of Leekie's car as they drove out of the parking lot. Her face looked just as haunted as it had the day before, but there was something new, a bruise staining her fragile skin, tinting her left cheek a purpleish blue. It could have been a trick of the light, the parking lot was dark by that time, illuminated only by the streetlights, there was no way Cosima could be sure of what she had seen.

But she was, there was no doubt in her mind that Delphine had been hurt, and suddenly the images of her with Leekie from the previous day came back. The way he grabbed her arm to pull her away from Cosima, the way he had spoken for her at every opportunity, not allowing her a voice of her own, the way Delphine looked at the floor in shame, and the way Leekie had looked at her with anger and jealousy when she turned back to Cosima, offering hope that they would see each other again.

The image of that bruise haunted Cosima all night, and for the next couple of days without seeing Delphine. It wasn't until Friday that week she saw the woman who preoccupied her thoughts constantly.

She was sitting at her desk rechecking her calculations when she heard the a knock at her lab door. Figuring Scott had forgotten his key card again when he left earlier to turn in some of their reports, she walked over to the door and opened it without a second thought.

"You know Scott, those key cards are supposed to stay hooked onto your lanyard so you don't lock yourself out all the-" Cosima paused as she realized it was not Scott, but Delphine at the door. It appeared as though the blonde had put on makeup in an effort to hide the gauntness of her face, and Cosima didn't miss the extra cover up on her left cheek. All in all though, despite the sickly look that was able to peek through the French woman's facade, Delphine looked much better than she had the previous times Cosima had seen her,.

"Delphine! Sorry, I thought you were Scott, I wasn't expecting to see you here, I mean, it seemed like your _husband_ wasn't to keen on us spending time together anytime soon." Cosima said, motioning Delphine forward with her enthusiastic arms.

Delphine's smile quickly faltered at the mention of her husband, looking a little more forced when it came back. "Aldous? No, no, he's fine with it,"

"You've always been a terrible liar, Delphine. What brings you down here anyways?" Cosima asked, trying to brighten the mood by avoiding the obviously sensitive subject.

"I wanted to see you," Delphine responded impulsively, "I mean, it's just, we were so, we were such good, friends, that I thought, you know, you might want to, chat, after all these years. If you don't want to though, that's uh, that's fine, I can go." Delphine stumbled out, her speech getting quicker and more shaky as she went on.

Cosima quickly cut her off, however, "no, no I definitely want to, you know, chat. You can tell me all about your incredible science career and stuff."

"Oh no, I'll bore you with all the details, I'm more interested in how you've been, since, you know, the last time we saw each other. Since you disappeared."

Cosima let out a small sigh, "I'm guessing Leekie filled you in on the reason behind my, uh, abrupt absence?" Delphine sheepishly nodded her head in response. "Well, I actually became a full time drug dealer after that, the whole shebang too, sleeping all day, partying at night, pretty much never sober, it was uhm, it was an experience. I'm back in the science field now though,, which is pretty great, this job has been awesome so far. But anyways, that's pretty much everything with me."

"And what made you decide to quit drug dealing and get a real job?" Delphine asked.

"First of all," Cosima said, pretending to be offended, "drug dealing is a real job, it's very hard work you know,"

Delphine giggled and leaned in to the table next to Cosima, smiling and staring at her face while she played along, pretending to feel guilty. "I am so very sorry for implying that your previous, profession, was illegitimate, Cosima, truly I am."

Cosima laughed in return, acutely aware of her arm being mere centimeters away from Delphine's. She moved her arm away, just a tiny bit, though it caused her physical pain to expand the small distance between them. "Your apology is accepted, Ms. Cormier, and to answer your question, I came back to science because, well, I missed this."

Cosima quickly realized how easy the kind-of-lie slipped out, she also realized the vague wording of her statement. While it wasn't true that she came back to the science profession of her own decision making, perse, it was true that she had missed _this._ She missed petri dishes and charts and discovery, and most of all she missed Delphine. She had been the only person who had ever really _got her_ , her weird sense of humor, fascination with science, and playful personality.

But distancing herself from the woman, she saw Delphine's frail form, and remembered the reality of their situation. How could she possibly be expected to betray someone who, even at what seemed to be her worst, was able to so quickly bring a smile to her lips and a fluttering feeling in her stomach.

Delphine noticed Cosima's sobering attitude and stood upright, adjusting her jacket self consciously and clearing her throat.

Cosima, despite her better judgement, took a step towards Delphine, reaching out to almost touch her. "Delphine, I, I don't want to be rude, or get in your business, or anything, but, are you okay? What's happened to you?" she asked, her brow furrowed in worry.

Delphine refused to make eye contact with her, while her mouth opened and closed a few times, trying to think of something to say.

"Delphine, I know we haven't talked in years, but, you know you can tell me anything right?" Cosima asked, her brain screaming at her, 'LIAR LIAR LIAR'

"Oui," Delphine whispered, wiping a tear from her cheek. "I know I can talk to you Cosima, it's just, I feel so ashamed, so stupid. I don't want you to think less of me for the terrible choices I have made."

"Delphine, whatever it is, I'm not going to judge you, everyone makes mistakes, I wallowed in mine for four years. If you want, you can take some time maybe, think about it a little before you tell me, if that would be easier? We could go get a cup of coffee in a few days maybe"

"Uhm, yes, I think, I think that would be nice. Can I text you when I can make it? I have a, very weird schedule, I probably won't be able to tell you until the day of when I could go."

"Oh yeah, totes, do you want me to like put my number in your phone?" Cosima said, holding her hand out to take Delphine's phone. Delphine started to hand it to her, but quickly changed her mind.

"Non, non I will just remember it if you tell it to me."

Cosima tilted her head in confusion. "Wouldn't it just be easier to put it in your phone?"

Delphine quickly shook her head, "I eh, don't think that would be a good idea."

Seeing that she didn't want to elaborate on the subject, Cosima relayed her number.

"So you have not changed it? I just assumed you had changed it, since you never replied to me all those years."

"You remember my number? From four years ago? Do you do that with all your friends?" Cosima asked playfully.

"Just the pretty ones," Delphine replied, a smile playing on her lips.

"I'm, still really sorry about never replying to you though. I was just, embarrassed I geuss. I mean you were a brilliant scientist and, I was too, until I was just the kicked out stoner, I didn't think you'd still like me if I told you I guess." Cosima said sheepishly.

"That is ridiculous," Delphine replied, her smile growing even wider, illuminating her dark face. "I will always like you, Cosima."

Cosima grinned goofily back at her. "The feeling is mutual, Delphine."


	6. Chapter 6

Felix looked startled, but not surprised as Cosima came bursting into his loft one afternoon, throwing herself onto his couch and immediately ranting about her super-secret-lesbian-drug-lord-spy-drama. He let Cosima shout about her problems as he made a pot of tea, a dramatic look of resignation on his face, though they both knew in reality he was happy to listen to her troubles.

Cosima lifted her feet but continued talking as he pulled the whiskey out from under her couch cushion, adding it to the tea. This had already become a ritual for them, Cosima ranting until she wore herself out, knowing Felix was listening and would give advice when she finished.

Cosima's rant started out energetic and excited, when she was discussing her work with her new lab partner Scott (Felix mostly tuned out for that part, I mean seriously, with words like, what was it, hermononucleosis? How was Felix's public high school education supposed to translate that bullshit?). Then, as she discussed her ex-almost-lover Delphine, and the news of her marriage to a creepy older scientist, her words went from weirded out to angry. Finally, when it seemed she was just on the brink of storming around the apartment and throwing things, her voice grew softer, trembling with emotion as she explained the state Delphine was in, and the worry she felt for the woman.

"What do I do Felix? What am I supposed to tell Rachel when I find out what's wrong with her? I can't just not find out, I have to know, I have to help her, but how am I supposed to help her when as soon as I know I have to sell her out to her enemies?" Cosima said, a lone tear finally spilling down her cheek as her hands clenched and unclenched in the air, a slight tremor in her fingers that Felix didn't miss.

"Calm down sweetie, okay," Felix said, the first words he had spoken since his initial "holy shite" when Cosima stormed past him and onto his couch. "Can you just lie to Rachel? Tell her Delphine won't tell you a thing, that your French lover has gone googly eyed for the skeleton doctor and wants nothing to do with you?" He put his and on Cosima's arm, gently holding her still while he looked at her red swollen face.

"I can try, but, if she knows I'm lying... She'll kill me. And I'm a horrible liar, Felix. I mentioned Delphine last time and she knew we knew each other after the first two words out of my mouth. I can't do this Fee I'm not cut out for being this fucking backstabbing spy!"

"I know you're not, Cosima, believe me I know, but this is the hand you've been dealt, and you're going to have to do your best with what you have. You're right, you are a shit liar. But, that may be something I can help you with." Felix's face turned from worried to excited as he stared at Cosima, waiting for an answer.

"How are you gonna help me learn to lie?"

"Well, I've had my fair share of police officers asking me questions I didn't want to answer, usually about, well, stuff, it's not important, but in addition to being well versed in lying to arrogant pricks, it just so happens I dabbled in acting coaching awhile ago." Cosima looked at him, a look of disbelief as she struggled to hold back a laugh.

"What? Rich suburbanite wine moms are always looking for an edge to beat their neighbors in community theatre auditions, as well as a sassy gay best friend. Might as well cash in on it." he replied shrugging.

Cosima considered for a moment before shrugging back, still slightly giggling.

"This time, it just so happens you're _my_ gay best friend though," Felix joked, pulling Cosima up off the couch dramatically.

"Now come on, we'll get you good enough you could lie to Oprah herself."

Over the next few weeks, Cosima began actually having fun. During the day she worked with Scott, obsessing over data sheets and occasionally taking breaks to discuss World Of Warcraft strategies. It wasn't long before they both realized they were becoming best friends, Cosima enjoying making Scott uncomfortable with teasing ranging from siblingly to inappropriate, as well as someone to talk to about science that didn't zone out immediately.

Scott too was glad he had found someone who could joke with him, even if it made him blush occasionally, it was nice to have someone acknowledge his awkward nerdiness while still cherishing it. Usually people either bullied him for it, or pretended it didn't exist, but Cosima was the only person who could have a heart of gold but never lie to you.

In the afternoons, Cosima went to get drunk and take acting lessons from Felix, their seriousness waning as the hours went on, though Cosima could tell she really was learning.

Felix and Scott were godsends, and Cosima knew it.

As the days passed, however, it became harder for Scott's conversation and Felix's witty one liners to take her mind off the fact that she had not seen or heard from Delphine. The image of Delphine's bruised cheek bone replayed more and more as she wondered what was taking the woman so long to answer. Everytime Cosima could convince herself, however briefly, that Delphine was fine and the bruise was probably from some accident, she was left only with the possibility that Delphine had found out she was a spy. While Cosima knew that Delphine hating her was much better than her being hurt or dead, it didn't mean she liked that possibility either.

So when Cosima got a text on Wednesday in the middle of lunch, that read " _The Coffee Shop on Cole Street at noon tomorrow? -Delphine"_ her immediate reaction was to choke on her food, spluttering broken obscenities as she tried to breathe while spitting broccoli out of her mouth.

She appeared much more calm and collected, however, when she stood in front of the coffee shop the next day, though the constant tugging at the sides of her red jacket showed her anxiety to everyone who looked closer.

She spotted Delphine quickly after walking up to the building, she was seated directly next to a window, her curls falling perfectly down to her shoulders as she tapped her fingers on the table with one hand and checking her phone with the other.

Cosima paused for a few seconds, staring at Delphine, and considered running back to DYAD and standing her up. She knew, somewhere deep inside, that it would be safer for Delphine if she were to leave, and never speak to her again.

One tiny part of Cosima's brain however, was convinced that if she could find out what was wrong with her that she could help her. This was the part of her brain that believed her and Delphine could do anything together, the part that knew what she felt for the beautiful woman could only be love. She was in love with her in college, she was in love with her now, and she would be in love with her forever, no matter what cards either women were dealt.

Yes, this part of Cosima's brain was small, controlled more by emotion than logic, and was obviously likely to make a bigger mess of things; but it was strong, and it was able to bring Cosima back into motion, racing up the steps to the small coffee shop with much more speed and desperation than she had intended.

"Delphine! Sorry I'm late," she called, breathing heavily despite the short distance between the street and the chair she slid herself into the seat opposite a startled Delphine.

Delphine quickly let her shock turn into a smile as she watched Cosima's abrupt clumsiness, a sight that never failed to charm her.

"I think you forget how well we once knew each other Cosima, trust me, I am very used to your repetitive tardiness," she said with a small smug smile on her face, which despite just as much makeup as before, still seemed slightly more worn than it had weeks ago.

Despite Cosima's awkward clumsiness from moments before, the dreadlocked scientist easily slid on a confident and playful smile as she nodded and replied "Oh that's right, I forgot your one of the people who finds my lack of maturity and professionalism totally adorable."

Delphine's smile widened almost painfully as she laughed at the cheeky sense of humor and playfulness she had been deprived of for so many years. She hadn't realized how much tension she was holding in her shoulders until it melted away, her body swaying with her laughter, as the confidence in Cosima's eyes grew.

"Totally adorable, yes," Delphine said through her laughter, causing a slight blush in Cosima's smirking face. As Delphine's laughter subsided, a waiter came to their table to get their orders, leaving quickly to get Delphine's coffee and Cosima's green tea.

They laughed and joked for several minutes, almost forgetting the reason for their meeting as tears welled up in their eyes from the breathlessness of each other's company. It wasn't until the waiter came back with their drinks that they stopped ignoring the elephant in the room. Delphine absentmindedly stirred a small amount of creamer into her coffee, watching as Cosima poured creamer and an extravagant amount of sugar into her tea.

After Cosima was done stirring together what seemed to Delphine a sickly sweet concoction, she turned her gaze back up, a silent understanding of what was about to come communicated through both women's eyes.

Delphine nervously fiddled with her mug, fingers tapping quickly on the edge, but said nothing. Cosima blew slightly on her tea before speaking first.

"So, you're going to tell me, what's uh, going on with you?" She asked quickly, forcing the words out before she could back away from the topic altogether.

Delphine's hand stilled in her mug, her gaze turning away, and looking around Cosima before finally meeting her eyes again. When she finally spoke, and her hand trembled on her mug, creating ripples in the creamy brown surface, providing a physical representation of of the shaking in her voice.

"Oui, yes, it's just, I don't know how to say it, I don't know where to start." She said, almost whispering as her gaze shifted again, from Cosima's eyes to the sound waves in her coffee.

Cosima reached her hand out, pulling Delphine's away from her coffee and holding it on the table in a comforting squeeze. "Hey, you can do this, you can tell me anything, you know that Delphine, after everything I did, there's no way I could judge you."

"I'm afraid this is much worse, Cosima." Delphine replied, leaning away from Cosima, yet subconsciously gripping her hand tighter.

"Delphine, just tell me, okay? Whatever it is, I'm here for you. Please just let me in." Cosima said, stroking her frail hand with her thumb slowly, eyes pleading with the blonde woman.

Delphine let out a shaky sigh, shoulders shuddering and tightening, and eyelids fluttering as she yet again refused to meet Cosima's gaze. After a moment she closed her eyes and looked down, strengthening herself to tell the kind, thoughtful, beautiful, young woman sitting across from her that she was not the same woman she had known all those years ago, that she had destroyed that woman with a series of horrible decisions.

"I have… I have made many mistakes." She started, gripping Cosima's hand even tighter, but still refusing to open her eyes as she began recounting the story. "When DYAD was first starting, all the founders, including myself, worked as researchers, of course now that it has become such a success, we are apparently above doing the lab work that started the company in the first place. At the time, this was just a year or so into starting the company, I was trying to create a new drug, one that heightened the user's intelligence."

"324B21, the one Scott and I are working on," Cosima whispered at the recognition of the drug she was referring to, the same one her and Scott had been working on, Cosima's eyes widened, though Delphine's tightly shut eyes could not see any of the woman's facial expressions, though she nodded her head before continuing.

"I had been working on it since before the official beginning of DYAD, but every trial came back with negative results. The lab mice became sickly, and addicted to the drug. Meanwhile, every other DYAD founder had been credited with at least one successful product, and they began talking of shutting down funding for mine, the company was still small and could not afford to spend that much money on something that didn't seem it would yield any profit in the near future.

"I tried to tell them this was a much more complex drug than the others DYAD had produced, it would take more time and a continued budget, but when it was perfected, the profit would be far greater than any other drug, not to mention the incredible scientific breakthrough it would be, and the possibility of using it not only to further the minds of top scientists, but to rehabilitate people living with mental disabilities.

"Still, they would not listen to me, and even began talking of kicking me out of the company if I did not back down. I knew that without a huge, irrefutable sign that the trials were headed in the right direction I would not be allowed to continue working on the project I was so passionate about, and had spent so much time and energy on, so I, I stayed up all night, tweaking the formula, knowing it would be my only shot to fix it, and when I foolishly thought it was finished, that I had managed to fix all of the problems literally overnight, I tried it. Except... I didn't test it on the lab mice."

Delphine's words abruptly ended, her voice caught in her throat as she sat absolutely still, eyes still shut tight.

As Cosima realized what Delphine meant, her face froze in shock. Science was her passion, and she absolutely understood how angry and frustrated Delphine must have felt at the talks of shutting down her promising project, but if what Cosima thought she was implying were true, that was were the understanding ended.

"You, you used it on yourself?" she asked, after a few seconds, that seemed to Delphine to be an eternity. The broken scientist's silence confirmed Cosima's fears. She sat there in stunned silence for another few moments, her thumb laying still on top of Delphine's hand where it had been tracing patterns just a moment before.

Finally Delphine couldn't take the silence any longer. She opened her eyes, and lifted her head, tear tracks glistening in the light of the coffee shop.

"Please say something Cosima, that you understand, that I disgust you, just say something please," she choked out desperately, tears continuing to fall as she looked into Cosima's still shocked eyes.

Cosima took a deep breath, and then her expression softened. "Delphine, I'm not going to say either of those things, because neither of them are true. You don't disgust me, there's no way you could ever disgust me, please understand that, I care about you, Delphine, and nothing is gonna change that, but I don't understand either. And I'm not gonna say I understand, Delphine, because I really, _really_ don't want to lie to you." Cosima paused, looking into Delphine's eyes with such intensity the blonde thought her skin might catch on fire. She tried to communicate what she couldn't say out loud, _I don't want to lie to you anymore than I have to_.

"Just because I don't understand though, doesn't mean I don't care, that I don't want to help, or that I'm judging you in any way. I care about you so much, Delphine. I know it's been years since we were, friends, but I've missed you so much, and I'm willing to be here for you through anything." Again her eyes tried to communicate what she wasn't outright saying. _I love you, Delphine Cormier, I've never stopped loving you_.

"Cosima I-" Delphine started, as her throat constricted with repressed sobs "Cosima I just don't know what to do, I can't possibly get out of this mess I've made for myself." Delphine suddenly began wiping her tears away, glancing nervously at the other customers in the coffee shop, realizing despite the incredibly emotional conversation, they were still in a very public place, and suddenly Cosima's hand on hers out in the open scared her rather than comforted her.

Cosima seemed to understand by the nervous look and the slight tug of her hand exactly what was going through her mind, as she let go of Delphine's hand gently and stood up next to Delphine, urging her to do the same.

"Let's go somewhere more private, does that sound okay?" She asked gently, resisting the urge to reach out, hold Delphine, and never let go. She knew that wasn't what she needed there, not in front of so many intimidating strangers, people she couldn't trust. Just as Delphine nodded her head in agreement with Cosima's plan, and they began walking out of the coffee shop, she realized she was the person Delphine should have trusted least in the shop. She tried not to feel like a monster, leading her victim away to prey on without observers. She failed.

"Where do you want to go?" Cosima asked, attempting to keep her tone light hearted, despite the ache in her chest.

"I, I don't really go anywhere very often, I usually just stay at home so, I don't really know anywhere-" Delphine paused, trying to calm the tremors in her voice, though they just grew worse. By the time she continued, her voice was little more than a broken whisper, tears falling again down her cheeks as she grimaced and shook her head. "I don't know anywhere else to go."

"Okay, okay, hey, calm down Delphine it's okay, it's gonna be okay. I would take you back to my place, but, uh, that's a little ways from here, how far away is your house? Do you want to just go there?" Cosima said, hand on Delphine's arm as she looked up into her eyes, desperately trying to do anything she could to help her.

"It's, it's just a minutes walk from here," Delphine said, trying to steady her breathing.

"Let's go there then okay? Come on, which way is it?" She asked, leading Delphine in the direction she pointed.

The walk was short, Delphine's condo being only a couple blocks from the coffee shop, and soon Cosima was sitting on the Leekie's pristine white couch, holding a sobbing Delphine who had somehow made it into Cosima's arms, murmuring and shushing her as her cries got quieter and less violent.

Finally, once Delphine became quiet, Cosima spoke up.

"So are you going through rehabilitation? Have you been weening yourself off?" Delphine responded with a shake of her head, her cheek brushing firmly against Cosima's collarbone.

"You're, still using it? Delphine the side effects just get worse and worse the more you use it, and you've been using it for what? Two years?" Cosima asked, breaking away from Delphine to look into her face, worry and shock etched in her brows.

"I know, I know it's just, every time I try to quit, I can't do it Cosima. And without the drug I am afraid my intelligence level will drop to lower than it was before I used it, I don't know what will happen to me without it." Delphine said, her sobs coming back as she desperately tried to explain herself to Cosima, to explain why she couldn't stop taking this drug.

"No, Delphine. We don't know if it's even improving your intelligence at this point, there has been absolutely no research done into the long terms effects of this drug, because the short term ones were bad enough. You may not know what will happen without it, but I think it's pretty obvious what's happening with it. You're in pain, Delphine, I can see that. I don't know how much longer you're gonna last if you keep going like this. You need to quit, you _can_ quit, Delphine. Does- does Leekie know all about this?" Delphine tensed at the mention of her husband, before nodding slowly in reply.

"And he hasn't made you quit?"

Again Delphine shook her head. "It is my mess to clean up," she whispered.

"Are those your words or his?" Cosima asked, and Delphine's silence was enough of an answer. "When did you start seeing him? Was it before this, or after?" she asked.

Delphine again looked like she was bracing herself to tell an uncomfortable truth. She took a deep breath, before saying "I started seeing Aldous when DYAD was just a concept, an idea. He was, a brilliant well respected scientist, and the fact that he was even considering including me to found a groundbreaking scientific research company with him and other brilliant scientists…" Delphine trailed off for a moment, lost in thought.

"I was very grateful to him, I thought he could, see something special in me. Otherwise he would have never included such an inexperienced scientist. He made me feel special for the first time since…" Delphine, paused again, looking intensely at Cosima. This time it was her eyes that communicated the unsaid. _made me feel special for the first time since you_.

Delphine broke eye contact with Cosima again, continuing her story. "When he started making advances, it seemed the right thing to do to accept them. Maybe I knew he was only letting me in the company to sleep with me, but I didn't care. The chance to start my own company and work with amazing scientists, and being around someone who made me feel wanted, it was an opportunity I couldn't refuse. We started the company together, and once it all became official, I ended it with him. I think, I think once I had given him what he wanted, sex, he no longer tried so hard to make me feel wanted, which was the only thing about his personality that I was initially interested in. And once he had given me what I wanted, a place as a founding member of DYAD, I no longer needed anything from him. Merde, I am an awful person, nothing more than a whore." Delphine spat, putting distance between herself and Cosima, as she trembled.

Cosima scooted closer to her, resting her hand on her shoulder to soothe her shaking. "Delphine, you're not a whore. Feelings are complicated, sometimes it's hard to tell if you like someone because you like them, or because they're convenient. Leekie was there when you needed someone, when you felt lonely. If anything he's the bad person here, he pressured you into a relationship with him by making you seem obligated."

"Maybe," Delphine replied slowly, before shaking her head, "maybe we were both horrible back then. I don't know."

"And what about now?"

The question lingered in the air for a few moments, before Delphine could reply. "Aldous, after I made my mistake, he was there for me. He defended me to everyone else, fought for me to keep my place at DYAD, if only in the title. He forgave me when no one else would."

Cosima sat silent for a moment, her suspicion towards Leekie had been growing since the day they met, and the way Delphine was talking about their relationship wasn't helping at all. "So, he used you and manipulated you for sex, and started treating you worse after you got it. Then you broke up with him, and, at your weakest point, he comes swooping in and takes you back, while doing nothing to help you quit the highly dangerous and addictive drug he knows you're taking? How, how are you even getting more of it? Is DYAD producing some just for you?"

"Aldous, he has been secretly getting me more," Cosima's eyes widened in anger, and just as she opened her mouth, Delphine interrupted her. "I asked him to, Cosima, he's not keeping me on it because he wants to, he's doing it because it's _my_ decision."

Cosima angrily shook her head, seeing how deep in denial Delphine was about her relationship. After a few moments she looked Delphine in the eyes again. "Has he hurt you, Delphine?"

"No! No of course not," Delphine said, far too quickly for Cosima's taste. She fell silent, not making eye contact with Cosima.

"I still know when you're lying to me Delphine," Cosima said, reaching for the blonde's hand.

Delphine shot up off the couch at a speed that seemed painful for her frail body. "You know nothing, Cosima!" She shouted, tears streaming down her face as Cosima slunk back on the couch in surprise.

"You left me! You left and never called again, you made me feel like I meant nothing to you! Like I was worthless!" Delphine was screaming, her vocal chords scratching angrily with every word, and she made no move to stop the tears from flowing down her face.

"Being cast aside by the person you love changes you. I am not the same girl who followed you around campus, like some kind of lost puppy, Cosima! You hurt me, and you know nothing about the person I am now because of that!"

Cosima stood up, recovering from her shock "Delphine, I'm so sorry, I never meant to-"

"GET OUT!" Delphine shrieked, pointing to the door.

"Delphine wait, I-"

"GET. OUT." Delphine yelled, with an angry certainty. "GET OUT, NOW."

And Cosima did, she walked out of the door and left the broken shell of a woman she once knew, and still loved, because she knew she would only hurt her worse by staying. It wasn't until she got to her apartment, the rest of her work day forgotten as she let out a guttural sob into her pillow, that she realized Delphine said she had loved her.


	7. Chapter 7

Cosima couldn't stop looking at the way Delphine's curls glistened in the sunlight. She was so beautiful, she had to commit every detail about her to memory, the complex color of her eyes, the soft pink of her lips, the perfect curve of her breasts.

"Cosima? Are you even listening to me? You promised this would not be a distracting environment!" Delphine laughed, playfully hitting Cosima's arm with a notebook as they sat on the grass together. Cosima had convinced Delphine to take their study session outside, and Delphine had agreed, even letting the smaller girl weave a flower crown for her as she quizzed Cosima on the chapter, taking notes while Cosima played with her hair.

Delphine started a horrendously hilarious impression of the shorter girl, equipped with overly exaggerated hand movements, causing her flower crown to tip to the side ever so slightly. "OMG Delphine! We should totes go study outside! I like so promise not to get distracted by the beauty of nature while we're supposed to be studying for our very important exam tomorrow!"

"I so don't sound like that!" Cosima replied, laughing at Delphine's American accent.

"You sound exactly like that. That was incredibly accurate," Delphine replied, laughing as she defended herself.

"Oh please, I could do a better impression of you in my sleep!"

"Do you often think of me in your sleep?" Delphine joked, her eyebrows wiggling playfully. Cosima blushed a deep red while struggling to find an answer, causing a fit of giggles by the French girl, until she finally decided to show Cosima mercy. "Let me hear this impression then, I'm sure it will be far better than mine."

Cosima quickly gathered herself, clearing her throat before turning to Delphine, a deadly serious look in her eyes. In the sexiest voice she could manage, she slowly whispered "baguette"

Delphine immediately roared in laughter, her body rocking back and forth and tears welling up in her eyes. "Baguette? You are right, a much better impression, I do have a fascination with baked goods."

Cosima rolled over on her side, facing Delphine as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a joint. "Well, in that case, this good is gonna get baked."

"Cosima! We are studying put that away you silly girl!" Delphine screamed, grabbing for the joint in Cosima's hand.

Cosima let out a yelp as she rolled away, joint in hand, followed by a laughing Delphine. The two rolled together on the ground, each trying to gain custody of the joint as they let out small yelps and giggles. Finally Delphine pinned Cosima to the ground, taking the joint from her. and tucking it into her own pocket. They stayed like that for a few moments, catching their breath and looking into each other's eyes, before Cosima flipped over, pinning Delphine to the ground.

"HA! You thought you won! There's something you should know about me though, I never give up," she said smugly, still breathless from their wrestling. In that moment, everything was perfect, Delphine, splayed out beneath her, the green brown of her eyes glittering in the sunlight, her curls perfectly displayed around her head, flower crown somehow back onto the center of her head, despite their wrestling.

Cosima thought about kissing her, Delphine's perfectly pouty lips begging for her to press her own to them, and Delphine intently staring at Cosima's lips made her think she wanted it just as bad. Somehow she changed her mind though, growing too afraid right before she leaned in. She wasn't even sure Delphine was gay, and even if she was, she wasn't sure that Delphine knew it, their first kiss shouldn't be somewhere so public, that would put too much pressure on Delphine.

Cosima battled her inner desire and rose to unpin the perfect girl, but just as she started to lift pressure off Delphine's arms to let her up, everything around them grew dark, Delphine's playful look was replaced by an empty stare as her face aged years in a matter of seconds, the flowers in her hair withering and growing dull with the surroundings, dead petals falling around her.

"Delphine? What-" Cosima started to ask, before she was interrupted by the corpse of the girl still lying under her.

"You lie, Cosima."

"I don't, what are you talking about?"

"You said you'd never give up. You said you'd always be here, but you left me. Why didn't you stay, Cosima? Why didn't you kiss me? You could see that I wanted it, you knew Cosima, you knew I wanted you, and you abandoned me. You left me to rot," suddenly the corpse rose up, taking a terrified Cosima with it, it's skin falling off it's withered bones as it grabbed Cosima's throat, pinning her back to a tree.

"You lie, Cosima."

Cosima shot up from her bed breathless, and covered in sweat. It took her a few moments to calm her panic before the guilt set in. She knew her subconscious was right, she had led Delphine on, playing with her emotions before abandoning her. She knew it was never her intention to hurt Delphine, but her shame and negligence hurt her all the same.

Cosima brought her hand to her head, emitting a soft but angry moan as she let the guilt wash over her entire being, making her stomach grow tight and queasy. She had abandoned the love of her life, and now she had to betray her trust again.

Looking at the clock, she realized it was almost time for her to be up for work anyways, so she turned off her alarm before it even sounded, and tried to step over all the angry clutter littering her floor.

She let herself cry in the shower, the stream of hot water washing away salty tears as she tried desperately to clean herself. By the end of the shower, her skin was scrubbed raw and she had fallen to the floor in a fit of sobs, letting the hot water flow over her as her body shook with bellowing cries.

When she was able to gather herself, she got dressed, put on her signature eyeliner, choked down a piece of toast, and forcibly propelled her legs out of her front door. Her legs felt disconnected from her brain as they took her to work, deciding to walk today instead of taking a cab, hoping to clear her mind. She thought she had extra time, since she had gotten up before her alarm even rang, but when she checked the time as she walked into the building, she realized her shower crying session had taken longer than she thought.

She ended up being twenty minutes late, which honestly didn't seem like a big deal. Scott was in the lab when she arrived, and they immediately got to work. Midway through logging her data sheets however, she got an idea.

"Hey? Scott? I was thinking, maybe we should do a few trails to try and discover the long term effects of repetitive use of 324B21?"

"Long term effects? Why would anyone be taking this version long term? Until we can eliminate or reduce the short term side effects, I don't see any point in studying other things that could go wrong with our already faulty drug," Scott replied, confused why Cosima would suggest doing so.

"Well, maybe the short term effects wear off over time?" Cosima suggested, in a tone that clearly displayed she wasn't even convincing herself, before continuing. "I just think it's a blind spot, I like to know everything we can find out about the drug we're working on, and this is an important aspect of it, we should at least do a few trials."

"But what good would that do Cosima? This drug is already too dangerous for short term use, long term is irrelevant."

"Can we just do it and see Scott?!" Cosima bit back angrily, slamming her fists on her desk and catching Scott off guard.

Scott paused for a minute, seeing the desperation in her eyes. "If you really want to, I guess we can." he conceded, seeming slightly hurt by Cosima's sudden rage. "I'll send in requests for the mice and other equipment this afternoon," he finished before walking away, leaving Cosima with guilt that was feeling all too familiar lately.

The two friends worked in awkward silence the rest of the day, Scott feeling hurt, but also wanting to give Cosima space to cool down, and Cosima not knowing how to start the apology she knew she would have to make.

She put it off until the last opportunity, both of the scientists packing their bags, leaving on time for the first day since Cosima started working there.

"Scott, look... about earlier,"

"It's fine Cosima, I know you're upset about something else, I just don't really think it's fair of you to take it out on me." Scott said, shaking his head as he finished packing up his things, and hung his labcoat up on the hook.

"You're right, Scott, you're totally right, and I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you? It's Friday, do you wanna like, come hang out and play video games or something? We can order a pizza and geek out and stuff," Cosima offered, following Scott to the door.

Scott considered for a moment, before he flashed a geeky grin and nodded his head in excitement. "Yeah, okay, that sounds totally awesome."

"Pizza!" Cosima yelped as she paused the game going to answer the loud banging coming from her door.

"No!" Scott screamed as his cart fell off rainbow road just before the screen froze. "Why did you pick this track? This is the worst track and you know it Cosima!" He yelled as Cosima went towards the door.

"What, you not up for a challenge Scotty?" she replied giggling.

"Well at least I'm ahead of you! I don't know why you picked the hardest track when you so clearly have no talent at this game." Scott joked back.

Cosima was about to spout off a snarky reply, but she was cut off as she opened the door to a distinctly agitated Felix who proceeded to skulk into her apartment, slamming a bottle of whiskey onto her counter. "I have had absolutely THE worst day and we are going to get drunk and forget about it. For once I'm glad all your lesbian drama has kept you from having a life or I'd have no one to talk to."

Suddenly he noticed Scott, smiling awkwardly from Cosima's floor, each of them having pushed each other off the couch at one point and deciding to stay there. "Oh hello, you didn't tell me you had company Cosima."

"You didn't give me the chance to tell you anything!" Cosima replied, grabbing three glasses and pouring small amounts of whiskey into them. "Felix, this is Scott, my lab partner, Scott, this is Felix, my ex-girlfriend's foster brother who lives in my building and has somehow become my friend."

"Ooh I see, you and cute nerd over there are having a little play date, sorry to interrupt but I've got absolutely dreadful news," Felix said dramatically, but not before giving Scott a playful wink, inciting deep crimson blush and awkward breathy laughter.

Felix grabbed his glass from Cosima, as well as the bottle, and made his way to the couch, waiting for Cosima to follow. He downed his drink in one gulp and started pouring himself another while Cosima tried to hand Scott his, before he politely declined, admitting he didn't drink. Cosima shrugged, as Felix, who had already poured and finished his second drink, grabbed the one Scott refused and downed it.

"Woah there Felix, slow down. What's going on dude?" Cosima said as she slid the bottle away from his, taking a sip of her own.

Felix sighed, crossing his arms as he began his story, "I took out a loan from a friend of a friend about a year ago, and I've been paying it back to him, but now suddenly he's trying to double my payments! He says he needs it quicker, and I just don't have the money,"

"If he's asking for you to pay more than you agreed on in the contract, that's against the law!" Scott said, obviously irritated, because he just couldn't understand how someone could be such a bad person.

Felix looked at Scott for a second, amusement in his eyes as he sighed and platted Scott's shoulder, causing his just fading blush to deepen once again. "Oh sweetie, none of this is legal." He said adoringly, as Cosima starting laughing and Scott's face gave a look of embarrassing realization.

"Can we keep this one Cosima? He's adorable," Felix sighed as he turned to Cosima, clearly already very buzzed, if not drunk.

"Oh Scotty, so innocent, so precious," Cosima joked as she went to answer her door for the second time that evening, the knocking sounding much more polite than Felix's pounding.

Felix stared at Scott, peculiar amusement in his eyes as Scott struggled to keep eye contact with the cute British boy. Cosima came back a few moments later with pizza and paper plates, and everyone made a grab for pizza at the same time, causing a commotion.

After a series of short debates over topics like "who got the best piece", " you stole the one I was trying to grab", and "why does Cosima get all the parmesan?" the three settled into conversation, talking with mouthfuls of pizza and occasionally shoving each other.

As night began to set in, Felix began to drunkenly hit on Scott, his suggestiveness becoming more brazen with each drink. Scott seemed awkward, but weirdly receptive. Cosima passed out on her couch, leaving him without a ride home, and without money for a cab. Not that he really minded an excuse to spend the night, when it was becoming increasingly obvious that Felix wouldn't make it back to his place anytime soon either.

The next morning, Felix woke up, fully clothed, snuggling with Scott in Cosima's bed. Felix didn't remember anything about the night before, and was startled. Not because he woke up with Scott, however.

He remembered enough to know that he had immediately found the boy adorably cute. He was more shocked with the fact that he was fully clothed. It wasn't like him to get wasted to let off steam and not sleeping with whatever cute guy he had his eye on that night. No, it appeared Felix did not have a passionate, angry, alcohol fueled, one night stand with Scott, instead, he slept with him in the more literal sense, just cuddling all night. It was sickening.

No, this was scarily out of character, Felix thought to himself, slipping out of bed and grabbing what was left of the whisky, gulping it in an attempt to ward off his impending hangover. He looked back at Scott, lying tangled in the sheets of Cosima's bed and felt an immediate attraction. Not the attraction he was used to, but a deeper attraction, one that made him think he wouldn't mind waking up to the sight of the adorable scientist every morning.

Felix pushed those thoughts out of his brain as quickly as they came, however, turning away and making a quick exit of Cosima's apartment, but not being able to shake the desperate need to remember the night before, the night that somehow ended in a cuddle session.

While Felix may not have remembered, Scott did, and he felt immediately disappointed when he woke up alone, before realizing that Felix had been insanely drunk the night before. There was no way he could remember what happened, no way he even meant what he was saying, or doing.

Felix might have been too drunk to mean it when he had kissed the blushing boy the night before, but even as Scott woke up alone he knew he absolutely meant the check he wrote to Felix, the check tucked into Felix's pocket for him to discover later, the check with the right amount of money for Felix to pay the rest of his debt.

After all, Scott was a researcher at an incredibly well respected research lab, he made quite a bit of money, and there were only so many toy millennium falcons and action figures he could buy, he wanted to use some of that to help the boy who helped him.

Felix may not have actually wanted him that night, but he helped Scott realize what he wanted. He helped Scott realize he wasn't straight. So even though he was disappointed Felix left him, he felt grateful for having met him, and when Cosima drove him home the next day, he couldn't help but feeling a little happier, finally having been able to completely be himself, whoever that was.


	8. Chapter 8

As Cosima made the walk to Rachel's office with the ever friendly Amanda, she thought back to Felix's acting lessons, his voice ringing out in her head with every step she took down the pristine hallways.

"Remember, don't avoid eye contact, don't over explain, and keep calm, you can do this Cosima."

She felt like she could do it on those nights with Felix, but the lack of beer and friends shriveled her confidence to nothing, and she was quickly doubting her ability to lie to Rachel Duncan.

She took a deep breathe before she sat down on the familiar leather seat, putting on her most casual smile as Rachel turned away from the window.

"You seem to be in a rather good mood," she remarked, taking a seat at her desk.

Cosima quickly remembered the story she was supposed to tell Rachel, that Delphine didn't want to speak to her. She cursed herself as she realized she was not supposed to be in a good mood, and her awkward smile reflex had already complicated the meeting further.

"Yeah, it's nice to be back doing science," she replied, trying not to sound too happy, but instead doing a complete 180 with her emotions, overplaying the sadness. She was so good at this with Felix, but she was already crumbling under the pressure of reality.

"Anyways, here's the work we've done this week," she said handing her a folder of copied data logs and equations. She was hoping to cut the meeting short before she had the chance to fuck things up.

"Thank you Cosima, any new findings on the other DYAD employees? Have you heard from Delphine?" Rachel asked, putting the folder in her drawer.

"Nope. That's it for this week, sorry it's been like really slow. See ya next Sunday then?" Cosima replied to quickly, getting out of her seat.

"Sit down Cosima." Rachel replied, eyeing Cosima coolly.

Cosima sat down, her nerves multiplying by the second. 'She knows something's up,' she thought, 'she knows I'm lying why couldn't I have listened to Felix more, I fucked everything up I can't do this.'

"What are you not telling me?" Rachel asked, crossing her legs and waiting patiently for Cosima's answer.

Cosima started to protest, to insist that she wasn't keeping anything from Rachel, but one cold look and she knew she was done. She paused for a moment, considering her options.

"Promise me that Delphine is safe. I don't know what you're planning Rachel, to overthrow DYAD with insider information, to assassinate their leaders, I don't know, and honestly I don't care. I just want you to promise me that no matter what happens, Delphine and I are safe, and Scott too. We get out of this alive, and in one piece. Promise me she's safe, and I'll tell you everything I know, I'll do whatever you want me to do."

Rachel smirked at Cosima's emotional rant, replying, "but of course, Cosima. You, your dear girlfriend, and your lab partner will be perfectly safe, I'll even make sure you're both still employed after I get what I want. Now what is it you have to tell me?"

Taking a deep breathe, Cosima began telling Rachel everything, her stomach twisting into knots as she spilled all of Delphine's secrets, and while she became increasingly guilty, Rachel grew smugly gleeful by the second, her ever so slight smirk twisting the knife in Cosima's gut even further. When the meeting was over, Cosima hailed a cab in tears while Rachel sat back at her office, gazing out the window, the corners of her lips upturned into the smallest of smiles.

Cosima heard her door open as she flitted around her apartment trying to find clothes to wear in her Monday morning daze. She didn't bother to look up at the fashionable intruder as she flung shirts from one pile to another.

"Oh darling, you need help," Felix stated as he gently pushed Cosima back from the clothes pile and quickly picked a shirt for her, moving to her dresser to find a pair of pants.

"Okay, well it's early Fee, I'm half asleep- wait what are you doing up? You usually sleep even later than me, and now you're waking up early?"

Felix sighed, throwing a pair of pants at her before replying "Well, technically I didn't wake up early, since I never went to sleep, but I'm coming in to work with you today. Me and that lab partner of yours need to have a little chat."

Cosima paused as she zipped her pants up, casting a confused look Felix's way. "What do you need to talk to Scott about? And why do you sound irritated about it? I thought you guys kinda hit it off the other night, I mean from what I could catch before I passed out."

"Did we?" Felix asked, pretending to only be mildly curious, "I don't remember much from that night honestly. All I know is I woke up fully clothed in a bed next to him, and apparently with a check for a rather large sum of money from him tucked in my pocket."

"What? Why would he give you a check?" Cosima asked, as she grabbed an orange from the counter and started walking towards the door.

Felix followed her, and they continued their conversation in the hallway as they headed out to catch a cab.

"Well, I'm not sure what Scotty's motivations were, but the check was written for the exact amount of money I need to pay off my debt, and I'm fairly certain that's not a coincidence."

"So he just gave you the money to pay off your debt? Damn, I knew he was nice but that's some next level shit, I mean he just met you for Christ's sake."

"I know! There's no way he's giving me, practically a stranger, this much money with no strings attached, and I was too drunk to remember the circumstances, so there's no way I'm going to take this dork's money without knowing what the deal is."

Cosima glanced at Felix, a small smile forming. Felix noticed and glared back indignantly "what in the bloody hell is that look for?"

"You called him a dork," she replied, smile still firmly in place.

"Well I'm not wrong am I?" Felix spat back.

"You didn't say it in a mean way though. You said it in a cute endearingly dorky way. You like him, Felix. you like that little dork a lot."

Felix scoffed back at her, a slight blush in his cheeks as they made their way to the street to find a taxi and Cosima started quietly chanting "Felix likes the do-ork, Felix likes the do-ork."

Work was weird that day. At first, it was Felix and Scott's whisper arguments from the back of the lab, their hushed tones doing nothing to stop Cosima from hearing every frustrated and flirty word.

"I cannot take this much money from you Scott!"

"Why not? You need it, I don't,"

"But it's YOUR money,"

"And I'm giving it to YOU"

"Why?"

"Because I, gosh Felix are you gonna make me say it? I like you, okay?"

"Scott, you can't just give someone this much money because you have a crush on them, you don't even know me."

"You helped me a lot Felix, I didn't know I liked guys until I met you, and I want you to have that money."

At this point Cosima flinched, almost breaking a test tube as Felix slammed the check onto a tabletop behind her.

"I can't take this from you Scott! Just because you think you have a crush on me-"

"I know I have a crush on you Felix! I really, really like you, and if you don't feel the same way, that's, that's fine, but-"

"No, you don't have a crush on me, what happened the other night was a mistake, a drunken, hormonal mistake. I don't remember a thing, and you'd do well to forget about it too. I'm a rent boy, Scott. I have sex with men for money, and you do scientific research at a state of the art facility with fancy lab coats and everything. We would never work, we're too different, so just forget about it. take your check, and forget about all of this."

Cosima flinched again as Felix stomped away, slamming the door behind him. Slowly she turned around to see Scott, staring at the check lying in Felix's wake.

"Hey Scott, you okay bud?" she asked, walking over to her lab partner and friend. When he didn't reply she continued, "look, Felix just, isn't the type to be with one person, you know? But, if you think you didn't mean anything to him then you're wrong, he really does like you too, he just-"

"Yeah I get it Cosima, it wouldn't work out, you don't have to treat me like a kid, let's just get back to work," Scott replied, breaking his gaze with the check to sit down and furiously type into a computer, and Cosima walked back over to continue her work, giving him some space.

That was the first part of the day, and things only got weirder from there. After an hour or two of tense silence between the usually giddy and energetic science pals, their work was interrupted by the a swoosh and a series of rhythmic clicks as the door opened and a small but intimidating woman strode into their lab.

Cosima looked up from their work to see that the woman was none other than Rachel Duncan, accompanied by another small man carrying a tablet computer.

Cosima started to say Rachel's name and ask why she was here, but the blonde woman quickly interrupted, stopping Cosima from revealing that they knew each other.

"Hello, my name is Rachel Duncan, I will be the new head of DYAD, I thought it would be beneficial to introduce myself to the worker bees here at DYAD, and inform you that there will be some changes to the way things are run around here."

"What happened to Leekie?" Scott asked, standing up from his chair.

"Leekie has had to leave the company for, personal reasons, but I assure you, with my leadership and your research, DYAD will achieve great things. Many of your colleagues will be leaving us, but we are bringing some fresh eyes to start working here, and I expect everything to go perfectly smoothly."

"So I assume you're telling us all this because we're some of the few DYAD employees who aren't getting fired?" Cosima asked, glaring at a seemingly unaffected Rachel, trying to remind her of their deal.

"That is correct, Ms. Niehaus. You and Mr. Smith here will be retaining your jobs here at DYAD, after all, we want only the best and brightest working for us. Now are there any questions you have for me? I do have a lot of other employees to meet with."

Scott shook his head, still too confused about the situation to come up with any questions, while Cosima narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips before speaking up in a sarcastically bright tone. "Yes actually, could I schedule a meeting with you so we could have a little one-on-one chat about the exciting new directions you'll be taking this company?"

Rachel glared back at Cosima, holding her hand out to her assistant for the tablet. Once it was in her hand she lazily pretended to check her itinerary.

"Hmmm, it seems I'm incredibly busy at the moment, you'll have to call my secretary to schedule a meeting. I must be going." She handed the tablet back to her assistant and casually strolled out of the room, leaving Cosima and Scott to continue their work with an apprehensive atmosphere lingering in the room.

Cosima paced back and forth in her apartment, pausing occasionally to stare at Delphine's contact on her phone before resuming her pacing, muttering profanities to herself. On one hand, she wanted to make sure Delphine was okay, and to get answers to all the questions running through her head. On the other hand, last time she talked to Delphine she made it pretty clear she wanted nothing to do with the bespectacled ex-drug dealer. At least, not for awhile, and Cosima knew that if they were to get back together in any sense, it would have to be Delphine who initiated it, not Cosima.

Just as she was about to throw her phone in frustration it started ringing, a picture of Delphine's from college lighting up the screen.

"Delphine?" she asked, a mixture of panic and worry in her voice as she answered the phone.

"Cosima," Delphine replied from the other end, a sigh of relief mixed with a strained voice.

"Delphine are you okay? What's going on?"

"I need to talk to you Cosima, can I, come over?"

"Of course, let me get my address so you can find me" Cosima replied, racing around her apartment desperately looking for the piece of paper with her address written on it. She could recite hundreds of digits of pi, but when it came to her own address, her memory refused to cooperate, especially under such stressful conditions.

Cosima rattled off the address and apartment number to her, listening as Delphine repeated it back to her.

"Yeah, yeah that's it,"

"Okay, I'll see you soon Cosima," Delphine replied, and she hung up the phone, leaving Cosima to wait on her couch, her leg bouncing nervously as she started at the door.


	9. Chapter 9

Delphine looked nervous as she stepped through Cosima's door, as if she wasn't sure whether or not she was wanted there. Her eyes were red and puffy, starkly contrasting the thin paleness of the rest of her face. Cosima immediately ushered her in, pointing her to the couch were the two women sat down in an awkward silence.

Delphine was the first to speak up, "I'm sorry, about yelling at you and saying all those things," she said, shaking her head and closing her eyes in a vain attempt to stop more tears from spilling.

"You don't have to apologize to me, Delphine. I was out of line, I shouldn't have been making assumptions about your personal life, especially after all the things I did to you. I just wanted to help, but I went too far and I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry." Cosima replied, gingerly taking Delphine's hand as she moved closer to her on the couch.

Delphine was silent for a moment, squeezing Cosima's hand slightly before she opened her eyes and looked into Cosima's. "Do you, would you still want to help me?" she asked nervously.

"O-of course, whatever you need, I'm here for you," Cosima replied quickly, smiling ever so slightly at the damaged woman in front of her. Helping Delphine was all she had ever wanted since the day they first met, and here she was asking for help, even though Cosima's attempts to help Delphine in the past hadn't worked out as she intended.

She quickly sobered however, remembering their less than ideal situation. "What's going on?" she asked, waiting for Delphine to tell her what happened on her end of the Rachel Takeover.

"What have they told you at DYAD, about everything that's happened?" she asked, trying to find a starting place for her story.

"Well, Rachel Duncan, er, the new Head of DYAD, or whatever, apparently," Cosima started, stuttering as she struggled to glide over the fact that she was intimately involved in the change in leadership at DYAD, and that it might have been her fault. "She came in and told us she was the new boss, we asked what happened to Leekie and she wouldn't say anything specific, so that's pretty much all I know."

Delphine nodded, biting her upper lip worriedly as she considered her next words. "This Rachel Duncan woman, she has a history with Aldous, she blames him for a lot of things. Somehow she found out that Aldous was supplying me with drugs, and she exposed him so he would lose his job and she could take his place, and now I-" Delphine paused, adjusting her grip on Cosima's hand as her breathing became more unsteady.

"You don't have anywhere to get drugs," Cosima said, looking at Delphine with a grim understanding. She pulled away from the crying woman, her face portraying a mixture of hurt and disappointment as she moved to the other side of the couch. "So what, you want me to be your drug mule now? Your husband isn't useful to you anymore so I'm the most convenient option?" She asked venomously, angry and hurt at what Delphine was implying.

She had been so stupid, thinking Delphine wanted her to help her emotionally, to be there for her, because she still loved her. She had allowed herself to get caught up in a fantasy once again, thinking she could fix Delphine and they would live happily ever after. Delphine just wanted to use her for drugs, she didn't want to get clean and start a life with her, she didn't love her, not anymore.

"Please, Cosima it's not like that! Please just listen to me!" Delphine pled back, tears flowing down her cheeks as she tried to grab Cosima's hand and pull her close again.

"Do you or do you not want me to get drugs for you Delphine?" Cosima asked, her voice scarily cold and calm, a tone Delphine never expected to hear from the mouth of the excitable, optimistic woman.

"Yes, but-"

"No. There is no 'but' Delphine, I'm not going to help you do this to yourself! Any other kind of help you need, I'm here for you, if you need a place to stay, food to eat, someone to talk to, I'm here, but there is no way in hell I'm helping you get drugs. This is KILLING you Delphine, I can't help you hurt yourself, I can't stand to see you die like this." Cosima said, tears starting to flow down her own cheeks as she stubbornly kept away from the blonde woman searching for physical contact.

Delphine's head drooped down, and she stilled for a few moments, wiping her tears before she got up, saying "I think I should go."

Cosima nodded her head slowly before replying, "yeah, yeah I think you should go too. Just remember, anything else you need, I'm here."

Delphine nodded before turning away and walking through Cosima's door leaving her in a stunned and emotional silence.


	10. Chapter 10

Cosima was lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. There were little cracks in it, splitting the white plaster with tiny dark lines, creating a web of fractures. As her upstairs neighbors stomped around, she saw one of them grow just a little bit. She wondered how long she would have to lay there, on the floor, before the ceiling above her collapsed, broken floorboards piercing her skin.

She didn't want to think about dying, but it was a far better alternative than thinking about living at the moment, and at least it helped her to stop thinking about Delphine.

She thought about Delphine more than she could bear, it had been two weeks since their last conversation, when the blonde had tried to use Cosima to get drugs, and despite her anger, Cosima was still worried about her.

Work used to be her escape, her and Scott would get caught up in a whirlwind of science, blocking out the rest of the word. But now that Rachel was in charge, work actually felt like work. Cosima and Scott had each been put on separate projects, and Cosima was sure Rachel had given her the most boring project ever with the most annoying partner ever just to spite her. Cosima had given Rachel everything she wanted, she risked her life, and ruined her relationship to do it, and Rachel was still out to get her.

A loud rumbling noise woke Cosima from her own pity party, and she clutched her stomach, wondering how long it had been since she ate. With a sigh she got up from the floor and made her way to her fridge, only to find a mold piece of pizza and a half empty bottle of wine. Sighing, she grabbed the wine and decided to head to Felix's apartment in hopes he had some food.

After a zombie like walk to his place, Cosima slid open the door as far as it would go, and quickly jimmied the screwdriver out of its place and let herself in. Felix was nowhere in sight so she headed straight to his fridge, setting the wine on the counter.

As Cosima grabbed some leftover Chinese takeout she noticed the pot sitting on the counter, with homemade pasta in it. 'But Felix never cooks, I don't think he even knows how' she thought to herself, seconds before noticing the two empty plates, burning candles, and moaning.

The takeout fell to the ground as Cosima realized what was happening. She tried to get out of the apartment as fast as she could, but she knocked over the pan of pasta and fell to the ground instead.

As Cosima got herself up, wiping pasta off her sweatpants, Felix came running out of his room, still zipping up his skinny jeans.

"What the hell Cos?" he asked picking up the pot from the floor.

Cosima shook her head before replying, "Dude I'm so sorry, I just came over for some food -I brought wine- and then I realized you had someone over and then I tried to leave but-" Cosima cut her sentence off when she saw Scott emerge from Felix's room, his hair messy and struggling on the last few buttons of his shirt. Cosima stared at him in shock for only a second before erupting with laughter.

"Oh my god?! Really?! You and Scott?! Holy shit!" she said, Felix rolling his eyes and Scott looking at the floor, his cheeks bright red in embarrassment.

"Yes, me and Scott," Felix said, still trying to clean up Cosima's mess. "now let's get back to what's more important here, why are you coming here for food?"

"I didn't have any, I just haven't been to the store in awhile," Cosima said casually.

"Then why didn't you order something? You know I hardly ever have food either, what's this really about?" Felix responded, while Scott looked up from the ground and to Cosima.

Cosima had to think about that, she hadn't thought she had come there for any reason other than food, but Felix was right, delivery would have been a much better option if food was all she wanted. She let out a deep sigh before saying, "I don't know Fe, I guess I just wanted to be around someone, or whatever, but you're busy and that's totally fine, so, I'll just go."

Felix grabbed her arm gently as she took her first step towards the door. "Is this about the French?"

"No. I don't know. Maybe. Everything just kinda sucks right now," Cosima said, letting Felix pull her to the couch.

"Do you need something to drink Cosima?" Scott asked, opening the cupboard where Felix kept his cups.

"Some whiskey would be nice," she said, before Felix interrupted her.

"She'll have some water actually,"

Cosima rolled her eyes, but took the water graciously when Scott handed it to her, along with a bowl of pasta.

"There was still some pasta you didn't knock on the floor," Scott jokes as he sat on the other side of Cosima.

"Do you need to talk?" Felix asked her, pulling up the coffee table so she could set down her water.

After a few bites of what turned out to be amazing pasta, Cosima started to talk.

"I just feel so bad." she sighed.

"About Frenchie? She tried to use you for drugs Cos, she's the one who should feel bad," said Felix.

"But it's my fault," Cosima tried to explain, "it's my fault she's even hooked on them in the first place,"

"She made her own choices Cosima, and you refusing to enable her addiction was the right thing to do, this isn't your fault," Scott piped in.

Cosima let out another sigh, god, she realized, that's pretty much my signature move, and lifted her legs up, laying them over Scott's while she rested her head on Felix's lap.

"But I could have prevented all of this," she whined, as Scott awkwardly folded his hands on top of her knees and Felix began playing with her dreads. "If I could just go back, and not make that one stupid mistake, we would be happy little gay scientists, married, living in a super fancy place, maybe a kid or two. I could have been so happy. We could have been so happy."

Cosima covered her hands with her face and let out a long moan.

"Sweetie, there's no use focusing on what could have been, this is where you are now, and you've got to make the best of it," Felix said soothingly.

Cosima let out a sarcastic laugh, "that's odd coming from Mr. 'I have to be a prostitute because I never had a mommy and daddy'" Cosima bit back.

Most people would have been hurt by Cosima's words, but Felix was used to people not holding back their punches, and he knew that when Cosima was defensive she lashed out at others with harsh words she didn't mean.

"I've grown up, Cosima. I can take responsibility for my own mistakes and grow from them, and I'm finally at a good place in my life. You'll get there too darling, I know it seems like this shit'll last forever but it won't,"

At that Cosima uncovered her eyes, noticing Scott smile sweetly at Felix.

"So, this is like, really serious? You two are like, in an actual serious adult relationship?" Cosima asked, realizing why Felix was in such a 'good place'.

"I'm as surprised as you are darling," Felix said as he reached for Scott's hand. "I mean, it was weird at first, but one we got past that, it's been really nice."

Scott blushed a little, squeezing Felix's hand. "Yeah I think it's uh, very serious," he said, while Felix giggled at his awkwardness.

Cosima stared at their joined hands resting on her leg for a few moments before speaking up. "I'm really happy for you guys, I really am." she said as she extracted herself from the two boyfriends. "I should go though, get some sleep before work tomorrow, thanks for letting me whine."

Felix got up and let go of Scott's hand, lightly squeezing Cosima's shoulders. "Anytime Cos, you know that right?"

"Yeah, totally, goodnight, have fun you crazy kids," she said awkwardly before leaving.

She got back to her apartment and immediately collapsed back on her original spot on the floor. She was grateful Felix and Scott cared about her so much, but being around them had just reminded her of Delphine, of how that could be them, holding hands and giggling, having a romantic dinner before heading to the bedroom.

She dozed off, dreaming about Delphine, about going on silly dates, snuggling up with a good movie, talking late into the night about the Ted talk they had seen.

Her hazy dreams were interrupted however, by a knock at her door.


End file.
